God Knows I Gotta Start Somewhere

"Start Somewhere"
by Tobymac

Last night, everything was movin' so fast
I could barely keep track
Oh, of my offenses or your defenses
In hindsight, I woulda, coulda, shoulda not gone there
But left without a word to spare
Was it your offenses or my defensiveness?

That's got me thinkin' that we're never gonna get it right
I wanna straighten this before the sun goes down tonight
If I could only fight the bitterness I feel inside
This thing is eatin' me alive

Well I'm right here
And you're right there
And God knows we've got to start somewhere
'Cause I'm messed up
And you're broken
And those shots we fired are still smokin'

I'm tossin' and turnin' on the things I'd undo
As I wrestle with the painful truth
Oh, my sleep escapes me as guilt berates me
Exhausted, the memories are drawing so near
I can see it like a world premiere
When did my objective lose all objectiveness?

If I need you, and you need me
How can you turn your back and just leave me?
When I'm right here, and you're right there
And God knows we've got to start somewhere

I said some things that I regret
And if I could, I'd take 'em back
If I could turn my words around
You wouldn't hear a sound

But here I am, and there you are
The space between us is not so far
I'm reaching out my hand in love
Before the fading sun, forgive me for what I've done

Hey, hey
The gun shot's gotta go, man.
That's it. I mean, enough is enough. Good grief

Do you know what it's like?

Never Surrender by Skillet

Do you know what it's like when
You're scared to see yourself?
Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
Who didn't need your help to get by?

Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender
Never surrender

Do you know what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who sees the things in me I can't hide?

Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?


I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

Make me feel better, you make me feel better
You make me feel better, put me back together

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I need to feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

Put me back together
Never surrender, make me feel better
You make me feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

Thoughts on Forgiveness I Ponder

I don't even know if anyone ever reads this, but sometimes I get these ideas that just won't go away--and I want so badly to share them --and I don't know how or where (frustrating!). So in the interest of relieving my mind and heart, I will put them here and who knows?

I've dealt with forgiveness issues for the last 20-some months in a BIG way , more than ever before. God has ripped me to shreds many times (in a good way!) during this time. Anyway, there are a couple songs out right now that hit the nails on the heads and I just want to share them with you. If you can, please look them up and listen to them!!! Much better with music. I wish I knew how to post the links but I remain woefully inept at such technical matters. Anyway, I hope you might look at these lyrics and see if they speak to your hearts at all.
A few lines that jump out at me--forgiveness:
 hardest thing to give away, always goes to those who don't deserve, opposite of how (I) feel,  It flies in the face of all (my) pride, Help me now to give what You gave to me,

 Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them, Cause I feel like the one losin'

Cause Lord it doesn't feel right for me to turn a blind eye; we think our pain’s owed apologies and then it will all stop--Well, truth be told, it doesn't matter IF THEY'RE SORRY OR NOT, even when the jury and the judge say (I) got a right to hold a grudge; the prisoner that it really frees is (me) 
 Love to you and glory to Jesus!--sue

"Forgiveness"  by Matthew West

It’s the hardest thing to give away

And the last thing on your mind today

It always goes to those that don’t deserve

It’s the opposite of how you feel

When the pain they caused is just too real

It takes everything you have just to say the word…

Forgiveness

Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride

It moves away the mad inside

It’s always anger’s own worst enemy

Even when the jury and the judge

Say you got a right to hold a grudge

It’s the whisper in your ear saying ‘Set It Free’

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable

Show me how to reach the unreachable

Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness

It’ll clear the bitterness away

It can even set a prisoner free

There is no end to what its power can do

So, let it go and be amazed

By what you see through eyes of grace

The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable

Show me how to reach the unreachable

Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free

So show me how to see what Your mercy sees

Help me now to give what You gave to me

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

I can't believe what she said

I can't believe what he did

Oh, don't they know it's wrong

Don't they know it's wrong

Well maybe there's something I missed

But how could they treat me like this

It's wearing out my heart

The way they disregard

This is love or this is hate...

We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won’t You forgive them

They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)

Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them

Cause I feel like the one losin'

Well it's only the dead that can live

But still I wrestle with this:

To lose the pain that's mine

Seventy times seven times

Cause Lord it doesn't feel right

For me to turn a blind eye

Though I guess it's not that much

When I think of what You've done.

This is love or this is hate...

We got a choice to make

Oh Father won't You forgive them

They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)

Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them

Cause I feel like the one losin'

Why do we think that our hate's gonna change their hard heart

We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought

Cause pride won’t let us lay our weapons on the ground

We build our bridges up but it's just to burn them down

We think our pain’s owed apologies and then it will all stop

Well truth be told it doesn't matter if they’re sorry or not

Cause freedom comes when we surrender to the sound

Of Your mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

[x2]

Oh Father wont you forgive them

They don't know what they've been doin'

Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them

Cause I feel like the one losin'

I feel like I've been losing

Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them

Cause I feel like the one losin'

Amazing God (again)

So I've become something that always bugged me: a radio flicker--someone who cannot stay on a station for more than a line or two of a song and is switching to another station and another line and then repeating this action over and over. I have not liked much on the radio lately and just flick from one station to the next while driving (the only time I have access to radio). Today, however, God chose to speak to me in a very personal way using radio. I am always blown away by the times THE God of the UNIVERSE deigns to reach down in the midst of BILLIONS of people and billions of situations much graver and important than mine and sends me a message, just to ME, saying "I have time for you; I hear your heart cry; I love you infinitely; I am reminding you that even when you are faithless, child, I remain faithful." He will do this in an "offhand" remark from a friend or acquaintance that strikes right where I need it and the bearer of the message has no idea, or through a note that "just happens" to arrive at the perfect moment, or a reading in my devotions that isn't even the "right" day (since I have skipped some days and no one (human) could know which day I would be on that reading) but it is exactly what I needed to hear that day...So how did He do it today? Well, not just by having me listen to ONE complete song that was searing my heart, but THREE songs, in a row, no interruptions or advertisements or comments--and they began when I started driving and were over when I reached my destination. I have pasted them here, no interruptions, no comments from me, if you care to read through them. Maybe you'll see a theme of sorts, maybe you won't. But there is no doubt in my mind that God was speaking to me, and oh, how I needed His words and what comfort and sweet HOPE I received from my Lord, and how I praise Him for once AGAIN reminding me "who I am to" Him. To God be the glory!

You Love Me Anyway by Sidewalk Prophets

The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind
Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me

It took more than my strength
To simply be still,
To seek but never find
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking
ground
Yes then, I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
Yes,You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
You love me, yes You love me
How You love me
How You love me
How You love me

Undo by Rush of Fools

I've been here before
Now, here I am again
Standing at the door
Praying You'll let me back in

To label me
A prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I've been known to be

Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one
Who can undo what I've become

I focused on the score
But I could never win
Trying to ignore
A life of hiding my sin

To label me
A hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I've been known to be

Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one
Who can undo what I've become

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
You are the only one who can undo
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become


Remind me Who I Am by Jason Gray

When I lose my way,
And I forget my name
Remind me who I am

In the mirror all I see
Is who I don't wanna be
Remind me who I am

In the loneliest places
When I can't remember what grace is

(Chorus)
Tell me, once again, who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget Who I am to You, that I belong to You, to You

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home
Remind me who I am

When I can't receive Your love
Afraid I'll never be enough
Remind me who I am

If I'm Your beloved
Can You help me believe it ?

ChorusTell me, once again, who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget Who I am to You, that I belong to You, to You


I'm the one You love
I'm the one You love
That will be enough
I'm the one You love

Numbers 28-31 and More

Okay, so I am late again--but I am going to finish up--and maybe keep going (selfishly, this is a very good exercise for me--keeps my perspective more God-centered, makes me more accountable to live and think in a way that pleases Him....)

#28--Laughter and time away with family. I know I have been thankful for family again and again, but I wish I could express adequately what they all mean to me. Whether it's riding in the car, camping, sitting around the table or in the living room, skyping, texting, talking, whatever....I love being in contact with my loved ones--nothing in life is more fulfilling, and my friends, who are "family," are counted here as well!

#29--SNOW! I love snow any time. But in October, what a treat! And who knew when I dropped my two men on the Appalachian Trail on a beautiful, WARM, sunny day (they hiked in shorts), that a blizzard was lurking around the corner and they would wake to 5 inches of snow and still snowing, leaves-laden branches snapping and falling all around? safety--so glad they were safe and actually enjoyed some of this adventure, which will certainly be a memory! safety also on the roads--I saw 10 accidents on the slippery roads going to pick them up...a 50-minute drive turned into a 2 hour harrowing trip...thank you for guardian angels!

#30--Pictures--to remind of us of those good times that grow faded in our minds some times

#31--Psalm 103--Wow! Try reading it slowly, digesting each verse, each word, each promise, letting the Holy Spirit minister to your soul--wow. (I emphasized some of the things that stuck out at me (there are more); but I hope I don't stunt the ideas that God wants to speak to you....so I didn't do them all....)

¹ Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

⁶ The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

⁷ He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
⁸ The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
⁹ He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
¹⁴ for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
¹⁵ The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
¹⁶ the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
¹⁷ But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—
¹⁸ with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

¹⁹ The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

²⁰ Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
²¹ Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
²² Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the LORD, my soul.

A fitting way to end the month, I think...and THANK YOU to all of you who inspired me and helped me look to the Lord in thankfulness--I loved reading all your thanks--and look forward to MORE! Never think it is boring to be thankful--I think we are called to live in gratitude each and every moment of the day! Love you all.

Twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, and twenty-seven!

23--Evening worship service. Friends and family worshiping together (any time). Many times I don't FEEL like going. I am convinced the devil (or my flesh) is trying to get me to miss a blessing, because when I go, it is always so encouraging and growing and refreshing and just plain wonderful. A life well lived--Mr. Ken Matthews, who is now all healthy and restored physically, and abiding with the Precious Savior he loved and served so well while on earth--one of the most Godly men I've ever known. And his sweet family--love, prayers, and comfort to them all as they adjust to life here without him: bittersweet--knowing he's happier than he's ever been, but humanly, missing him terribly and painfully--weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning!

24--Fall (the season) again! I am just loving this time of year.

25--Family over for dinner--again. My kids around the table laughing and sharing never ceases to amaze, delight, and fulfill me. Not much greater gift...I love you all so much (and miss the two far away in WV--glad we at least get to skype and pray for each other and that it WILL go much faster than we think....when we look back...)

26--Forgiveness--so full and so free--not just the part, but the whole! wow! What else can I add? Antibiotics to heal illnesses I fail to diagnose properly, resilient kids who endure my many, many mistakes...love so amazing....

27--glasses and contacts that allow me (who cannot read the big E at the doctor's) to see clearly things of this earth--and the Holy Spirit who allows the spiritual scales to fall off so I can see the things of God more clearly (now if I could just keep my spiritual eyes OPEN...)

Extras--FRIENDS! Life here is so beautiful and fun with all of you! I miss you when I don't see you. I am looking forward to times together in the future. Thanks for all the times you all lift me up when I am down and help me with weddings and parties and anything I need help with and all the laughter over the years and prayers and bike rides and campfires and graduations and even sorrows. All of you are really family, not just friends--praise God for you ALL! Christmas only 58 days away, birthdays, leaves, cookies, pretty tablecloths, flowers, phones, comfy tennis shoes, vacuum cleaners....

Thankful My Hubby is Coming Home!

Number 22--SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO thankful my husband is coming home tonight! I miss him terribly!He is truly my best friend and soul mate!

Also thankful for open windows and crisp breezes, hazelnut coffee, reunions (not the formal kind--the meeting up kind) with family and friends, Mexican food, vacations and looking forward to vacations, my new grand nephew James born this morning and named after my father, the miracle of births,

for the Pro-life movement (by the way, a pro-life movie is showing at our church tonight at 6:30; Congressman Andy Harris will be there, too);

white chocolate;

clean sheets;

ability to get out and walk!